Here is my story
This will be the last post that Paul will make. No it’s not a suicide note. When you read it you may gain some understanding.
The day I came out as trans, was the day that I started to look at who I really was. Yes, I had my secrets. More than I even knew I had. I am writing this 1 year and 3 months after coming out. I am still finding out things about myself and how being a trans woman has affected my life, even before I knew what a trans woman was.
Growing up, I can remember hearing my dad talk about the transvestites and drag queens. He did not have any thing good to say. He didn’t say anything bad, but would make fun of them. For some reason I could related to them. They made perfect sense to me.
By the time I was 8 years old I knew there was something different about me. During recess I would sit alone and from a distance watch the girls playing and wishing I could be one of them. I should have been a girl, not this boy that everyone keeps calling me. Elementary school was a nightmare. Jr. High was worse.
In high school I would do “girl type” things that I could keep hidden, then on the outside try to fit in with the boys by doing things like playing football, which I was horrible at. I really wanted to be a cheerleader. This was a hard time period and I found myself depressed a lot.
I tried to push the feelings I had back, but they were always right there. I would do the things boys did, but would look for ways to fit in with the girls. I took Home Economics and Family Living classes, not shop. Back then boys took shop and girls took home economics and that just was the way it was. Another thing to keep in mind is that my high school consisted of grades 7 thru 12 and had a total of 120 students. My graduating class consisted of 15. This made it difficult to get by unnoticed so I had to fit in.
It was during my sophomore year that I first attempted suicide. I was on my way to work and going 60 miles an hour. I had enough. Overwhelmed by emotions, I aimed my car at a telephone pole and went into the ditch on target. The grass was wet and I lost control, ending up in a hay bale. For me it has always been a quick decision and rapid execution. From the time it crossed my mind until execution was less then a mile. To this day, this is one fact that still scares me; I have had two other attempts since.
Christina was my girlfriend through out all my high school years. We were married a year after I graduated. She was a senior. We rented a small 3 room apartment and our bed room was our living room. Things were going pretty good. I kept focused on providing while she went to school. I had put the feelings of wanting to be a girl on the back burner, just keeping it warm. For me when I look back on things, they started changing when she became pregnant.
Having a baby was something I dreamed of doing as I was growing up. So I tried to live life through my wife. She became my female persona, at lest in my mind. I became jealous and controlling. I would pick fights with her just so I could have an excuse to leave. I would go to the bar and start drinking. That numbed things up a bit.
I tried coming out a couple of times, but I just did not have the words. I did not fully understand what the hell was wrong with me. I just could not be happy. I grew more and more distant from my family. I became meaner and meaner. I would lie and use deceit when ever I wanted to get my way and if that did not work, anger did. Kind of.
We were blessed with four daughters and I was nothing but a dad. I just wanted to understand and experience the joy of motherhood. It was a consuming thing that I could not have. I pulled away further and became more and more angry. I discovered that alcohol when consumed in large enough quantities made me feel invisible. I would drink till inhibitions faded, then I would then dress up as a woman and not care who saw me. I did not go any where. Just stayed in the garage or in the yard, but I was at least free during this time.
My entire existence was a lie and I could not express who I was. I could not tell anyone how I truly felt and how I saw myself. The true me became a secret. To keep my secrets, I developed lies. To cover up lies I found other people to blame, mostly Christina. She received most of the abuse. The worst part is that I did not even realize how much. I had hurt many people just trying to keep my secret. If I could go back and have a redo, I would come out sooner. 30 years sooner. Why? It’s not being trans that truly hurt the people closest to me, It was the secrets. It was the hiding of who I was and not allowing myself to be who I am.
The thought of coming out was beyond anything I could conceive of doing. Just the shear terror of even thinking about coming out was over whelming. I admired the people who I saw who were just being themselves, holding their head high and living.
July of 2016 every thing changed. Our marriage of almost 27 years was coming to an end, at least in my mind. I had hit bottom; I was exhausted and was just done with everything. For over thirty years she has watched this battle raging and was drug through the battle fields I created.
I am so lucky to have found someone so determined to make things work that she just would not give up. That day in July, she just asked me something and I started yelling. It’s what I did. I think she knew that my behavior was a direct result of hiding who I was. I would not tell her. It was going to the grave with me. What I am about to say I am not proud of, but its part of what got me to come out. It’s the moment I could fall no lower.
During this argument, my anger got the best of me. I was in the basement and Christina was at the top of the steps, I charged up the steps and pushed her down. I believed she was going to call the police. I was ready to take them on. I was going to die at the hand of the police. There was a calm surrender that came over me. The life I knew was over, one way or another.
I went outside and sat down on our back steps and waited. A minute or so later Christina came outside and stood in front of me. She started talking calmly and asked me, “Why do you need these women’s clothes”? If I was to look back at my life and try to find a single pivotal moment, this is it. In my mind the police were coming and I had nothing left to loose. I said “I want to be a woman”. I sat there and waited for all the words of humiliation and disgust to rain down on me, they never came. What came next was a shock to me. Christina said, “finally some truth and honesty”. That is how my journey started.
I would have never made it this far with out Christina. The first six months of transition was not easy for either of us. It has required a lot of work, and more patience than I’ve ever had to have. There were times of tears and times when all I wanted to do was shove everything back into the box that it came out of. It was Christina who encouraged me. I found the courage and the strength I need to come out and be my genuine self.
Since coming out, I’ve made many mistakes. I became so consumed by my transition that it occupied much of my thoughts. I became very self absorbed. I spent hours researching everything Trans, only to find out in the end it was a waste of time. Most of what I learned, I have thrown away. What I needed to do was listen to what my wife had to say and take it to heart. She has become my expert and the only thing that I don’t want to live without. I don’t concern myself with what I want with my transition any more. I state what I would like, then step back and try to find ways to make things better for the people around me. I am finding that when I just let go and be the best me I can be. When I just love and give unconditionally, I always win.
There were many things that I’ve had to gain an understanding for. Things like how this affects the people around me. Every person that I have contact with, I have an effect on. Understanding this gives me the opportunity to see things from their point of view and thus I am able to set boundaries that are acceptable to others and myself.
In finding acceptance, I have found that there is no room for being selfish. It can be difficult at times to not focus on what I feel I need or want to do with my transition. But I try to set it aside, and focus on the people around me. That’s how I am going to make this work. To have understanding for Christina and her needs is how I plan to stay married, and keep my family around me. When I achieve a mile stone I share it as best as I can with my wife, I know I did not achieve it alone.
I spent 40+ years trying to live as someone else, creating an immeasurable amount of hurt along the way. I will be the best woman I can be. Now it’s my time to live as myself and my turn to love as I have never loved before.
Hello, my name is Kimberly Mae Rogers. I am a trans woman and I love who I am becoming.
you can find me on FB as Kimberly Rogers